TB: How to Win Friends and Influence People (Carnegie)
Core Thesis
Almost all interpersonal failure stems from wounded pride or unmet desire for importance. People are not primarily rational — they are emotional, driven by self-interest, and responsive to feeling genuinely valued. The principles of effective influence are therefore not persuasion techniques but habits of genuine attention and respect.
Key Takeaways
Criticism never works
- Criticism puts people on the defensive; it wounds pride and generates resentment, not change. Sharp criticisms and rebukes almost always end in futility, and the demoralization can outlast the unfixed problem.
- The person you correct will probably justify himself and condemn you in return.
- Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do. It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. Instead of condemning people, try to understand them and figure out why they do what they do; this breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness. Benjamin Franklin's secret of success: "I will speak ill of no man."
Genuine interest, smiling, and names
- People are interested in themselves morning, noon, and night — not in you. "You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than in two years of trying to get people interested in you."
- A smile says "I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you." It costs nothing but creates much; it enriches the receiver without impoverishing the giver. "A man without a smiling face must not open a shop."
- A person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Most people don't remember names because they don't take the energy to concentrate, repeat, and fix them in mind.
- Action and feeling go together; by regulating action (which is under the will) we can indirectly regulate feeling — so act cheerful to become cheerful.
Be a good listener
- Few human beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention. Most people fail to impress because they are so concerned with what they will say next that they don't listen; very important people prefer good listeners to good talkers.
- To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions others will enjoy answering, and encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. The people you talk to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their problems than in you and yours.
Talk in terms of others' wants
- Don't ask "what do I want and how can I get it?" Ask "what do they want, and how does what I'm proposing satisfy it?" When you go fishing, you think about what the fish want, not what you want.
- Arouse in the other person an eager want — the best advice for would-be persuaders. The only way to influence anyone is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Before you speak, pause and ask: "How can I make this person want to do it?"
- The only way to get anyone to do anything willingly is to make them want to do it.
Handling disagreement
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. Ninety percent of the time both contestants end more firmly convinced they were right; "a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." You may win the argument but lose the person's goodwill.
- Never tell someone they are wrong — by word, look, or gesture; it strikes a blow at their intelligence and pride and makes them want to strike back, never to change their mind. Show respect for the other person's opinions; never say "You're wrong." Be so subtle and adroit that no one feels you are proving anything: "Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so."
- When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically — this disarms the other person before they can make the point themselves, and there is satisfaction in the courage to admit error. "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."
- Welcome the disagreement, distrust your first defensive reaction, control your temper, listen first, look for areas of agreement, be honest about where you can admit error, promise to think over the other's ideas, and look for truth or merit in their position. The Buddha: misunderstanding is ended not by argument but by tact, diplomacy, and a sympathetic desire to see the other's viewpoint.
Begin friendly, get "yes," let the idea be theirs
- Begin in a friendly way. Don't open by discussing where you differ; emphasize the things on which you agree. The skillful speaker gets a number of "Yes" responses at the outset.
- No one likes to feel sold something or told what to do; we prefer to feel we are acting on our own ideas and being consulted about our wishes. Let the other person feel the idea is theirs.
Sympathy and seeing the other's view
- There is a reason the other person thinks and acts as they do. Ferret out that reason and you hold the key to their actions. Honestly put yourself in their place — "How would I feel if I were in his shoes?" — to save yourself time and irritation.
- Say "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would feel just the same." Three-quarters of the people you meet are hungering for sympathy; give it and they will love you.
- You deserve little credit for being what you are — and people who come to you irritated, bigoted, and unreasoning deserve little discredit for being what they are. Pity them, sympathize, and say "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
Dramatize your ideas
- Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.
- Stimulate a healthy competition — not the sordid, money-getting kind, but the desire to excel.
Leadership: changing people without resentment
- Begin with praise: it's always easier to listen to unpleasant things after hearing praise of our good points. Call attention to mistakes indirectly.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders — people more readily accept an order they had a part in shaping.
- Let the other person save face. It is vitally important, and how few of us ever stop to think of it.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement; that inspires the person to keep improving. When praise is specific it reads as sincere rather than flattery.
- Give a person a fine reputation to live up to: if you want to improve someone in a respect, act as though that trait is already one of their outstanding characteristics — "Assume a virtue, if you have it not" — and they will make prodigious efforts rather than disillusion you.
- Encourage: make the fault seem easy to correct, minimize errors, and let the person know you have faith in their ability and that they have an undeveloped flair for it.
- Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Mental Models
- Inversion — instead of asking "how do I persuade them?", ask "what do they already want?" — then show the path